November 10, 2014, Monday
8:49 AM Central Time
Look, stupid ... we at the Institute for Dissuading You From Making Ridiculously Stupid Conspiracy Assertions on Facebook totally understand that you have an intense need to make insane statements and comments about things which do not exist. We like the fact that you have a mischievous side and want to prank people. Or that you're totally insane or stupid and can't help yourself from believing in every conspiracy theory that exists. We, however, feel it necessary to slap you down or otherwise humiliate you for your anti-social behavior.
Here's a list, numbered for those who have mathematical abilities of some sort, detailing what facts you should be made aware of, even though we know you will totally dismiss them because you're so fuckin' stupid. Ours is a futile gesture, but we at the DYFMRSCAF subscribe to the Don Quixote code of Windmill Battles.
1.) FEMA has no intention of imprisoning you for being as stupid as Glenn Beck. Although we'd like to imprison you and Glenn Beck, neither we nor FEMA has, nor will we ever have, the authority to imprison you just for being incredibly stupid. One day, maybe, but probably not ... just not yet.
2.) Vaccines are fantastic and they don't make you sick. Some people cannot tolerate them (the people who cannot tolerate them due to health reasons are far fewer than the number of morons who claim they can't tolerate them for health reasons). You don't have to legally get vaccinated, but we at the DYFMRSCAF insist, without any legal authority whatsoever, that you do the right thing and punch yourself in the face for not getting vaccinated for medical reasons when you actually have no medical reason to prevent you from receiving life-saving vaccinations. And Jenny McCarthy is probably very well intentioned, but she's an expert on fart jokes, not vaccines.
3.) Ebola is not airborne. Airborne is not the same as contact/droplet transmission. Smallpox, chickenpox, measles, mumps, and other diseases, like influenza, are airborne and quite highly contagious. Ebola is highly contagious and potentially very deadly, but it is not airborne. If it were airborne, it would be much more contagious and that puckered asshole feeling you get every time you hear the word "Ebola" would be warranted.
4.) Travel bans do not work. You will dispute this because of your ignorance, but travel bans only serve to impede treatment and containment of infectious diseases. You think the CDC is lying about this, and you will use whatever you perceive to be any inconsistency, however ridiculously minor, to bolster your insane, xenophobic, racist argument for shutting down Africa. But travel bans are counter-productive. This is established scientific fact. You're too stupid to understand this, but if you accept it, you'll feel less anxious about the alien beings you believe are stalking you through radio waves.
5.) The CDC is a government organization dedicated to helping people -- even incredibly stupid people. That means you.
6.) We at the DYFMRSCAF don't feel we should go any higher in our fact list, because the list is numbered and we doubt you can count much higher than six, anyway, so we'll end this factually accurate blog post by saying, "You're stupid, so learn from others and respect the knowledge of people who are smarter than you could ever hope to be and who are not paranoid schizophrenic fear mongers."
DYFMRSCAF et al