A Moron's Endorsement of Mitt Romney

Miriam Madrigal, of San Antonio, Texas, writes:

Dear Mr. Doomed Stuffing:  I'm obviously a fictional creation of your twisted imagination, and simply a device you'll use to make one of your weird points about how unacceptable you find some subject to be.  So why are the Jews so insistent upon going to Hell?

Jesus on a fuckin' jumping bean, what is it with you anti-Semitic evangelical freaks?  Miriam, obviously you are a fictional creation based upon many of my encounters with people who populate the Earth, bubonic fleas upon a newborn puppy, and nothing more.  By the way ... how did your hysterectomy go?

Dear Mr. Doomed Stuffing:  The doctor was a Jew, but he says the operation went fine.  Am I doomed to Hell because I let a Jew doctor operate on me?

Yes, Miriam ... you're going to Hell because you allowed a Jewish surgeon to remove your uterus for the good of mankind.  But Hell is a place where non-Semitic condemned souls get certain privileges.  For instance, you're allowed to golf every Monday, when all the Jewish surgeons are forced by Satan to return all the uteri they removed during their lifetimes, and they're never allowed in the clubhouse.

Dear Mr. Doomed Stuffing:  Thank you, that is such a relief!  I was worried if I went to Hell I would have to golf with either Jews or Negroes.  Your friend always, Miriam.

Miriam also told me she wants everyone to know that she supports Mitt Romney even though he's a Mormon with magical underwear, because she believes that infidels and heretics who convert to the GOP are exempt from eternal damnation.

Take that endorsement for whatever you think it's worth.

The Muppets Take Facebook

I like to "chat" with people on some news media's facebook pages.  We exchange comments.  They say things like, "I'll pray for you so that you don't go to hell, u left-wing commie faggot," and "It sure is strange how those light-skinned negro Politicians are always up to no good."  What do you say to people like this?  Why say anything?  You can't make or force people to be intelligent.  I guess I'm chasing windmills to engage water-headed bumpkins in any conversation at all, even if the conversation is usually just a series of thrust-and-parry insults, but I don't get out much because of my intense agoraphobia, so fighting with douchebags is really just my own little sociopathic way of socializing.

I should stop, but I won't ... because maybe one day one of these water-headed Muppets will think, "Mr. Doomed Stuffing is right!  I am an uneducated, hyper-religious hillbilly moron who should quit getting all my ideas and 'facts' from Bill O'Reilly, Nancy Grace, and the 'PTL Club.'  I am an individual with a brain ... and I should be more discerning in my selection of informational outlets."  Of course, water-headed Muppets don't think whole sentences like that.  If they had similar thoughts to the ones I just gave them, they would go something like this:  "O'Reilly and Nancy and PTL liars? Horseshit!  Jesus invented 'merica!  Fuck your mother, Doomed Stuffing!  U fuck faggots!"

I know I should have more adversarial respect, but alas, I cannot.  Facebook commentators are a sorry bunch.  They're full of hate, superstitions, and they represent the lowest common denominator of American discourse.  Probably, that lowest common denominator of American discourse has rubbed off on me more than I'd like to admit.  My adversarial disrespect probably comes from my German-Irish heritage.  The Germans and the Irish are not known for their laid-back whimsy in dealing with disagreements.

Really, I should blame myself ... not the water-headed Muppets, not the Germans, not the Irish.  I choose to engage tenth-grade dropouts in conversations about politics, religion, atheism, education, racism, sexism, and bigotry.  I should have my ass kicked for trying to engage the intellect of a nation of psychological and intellectual cripples.

Oh, well ... what the fuck.  If I don't try to make the internet a less stupid place, what surly misanthropic atheistic left-winger will?  There are so few of us out there.  Or maybe most of us just have the intelligence not to engage water-headed Muppets in conversation.

[Author's note:  Although water-headed Muppets tend to call me a faggot because I'm not anti-gay, I am, indeed, not gay ... and I would very much appreciate anyone out there on the internet who wants to send me lots of hot lesbian porn ... not the kind where a chick acts like a bull fucking a heifer, but the kind where two hot chicks meet up and decide they just want to take turns going down on each other because they find themselves falling in love at first sight.  I guess I'm just a romantic deep down in my concrete heart.  Please send hot lesbo porn to eagle43aguila@hotmail.com.]

Bad Advice, Part II

The Doomed Stuffing has received a letter from Ignatius M. Pikesticker, of Royal Bumpkin, Arkansas, asking:

Dear Mr. Doomed Stuffing:  I told my wife that she votes Democratik, and I kill her.  My question is how should I kill her -- with a gun or a knife -- if she votes Democratik?

Ignatius, you're a stupid twat.  First, even if she tells you she voted Democratic, you have no way of knowing that she voted Democratic or Republican or for a token third party candidate, because they aren't going to let you in the voting booth with her to see how she votes.  But if you're going to murder someone, obviously you should drug them, then lure them out into the woods (preferably property that isn't owned by you), and then hit them with a shovel on the head. Take the shovel with you (it probably has your hick prints on it, and probably your DNA, too ... I won't try to explain what DNA is to you, because I would have to spend the first hour just trying to teach you to pronounce deoxyribonucleic acid.)  Also, your wife sounds much smarter than you are, so you probably should worry more about protecting yourself from being murdered by her.

My next fake letter comes from Mrs. Millie Pikesticker-Stone, of Royal Bumpkin, Arkansas, asking:

To Mr. Doomed Stuffing:  Should I be worried about my husbind kilin me?

Yes, Millie ... yes, you should.

Good luck, Americans.  And remember ... politics is a deadly business.

Bad Advice: Eggs and Self-Abuse

I received a letter from Sharon S------- [real name withheld due to legal reasons and also due to the fact that it's total bullshit ... I never receive letters from anyone .... do letters even exist anymore?], from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Sharon asks:

Dear Mr. Doomed Stuffing:  My preecher tells me that Ill go to Hail if I mastorbat.  Is this true?

Sharon, Sharon, Sharon.  First, get a fuckin' spelling primer before you send a letter through the mail.  When I receive letters, I demand a modicum of a pretense of literacy.  Second, what the fuck are you doing living in Tulsa, Oklahoma?  Don't you know that goblins and pedophiles live in Tulsa?  Third, poor, poor Sharon, I want you to know that your "preecher" is a chronic masturbator.  In fact, whenever you're showering after one of your church basketball games, he borrows your undergarments and masturbates furiously into them, all the while imagining you doing naked free throws.  Fourth, poor, poor, poor Sharon, I want you to immediately find a private place and stroke your uneducated hick pussy like you were putting out a clitoral fire.  This will bring you closer to Jesus than you've ever been ... certainly closer than after you've put on your undies after your "preecher" spunked in them and you wondered why you felt all sticky right after having had a shower.  Also, your "preecher" always bets on the other team because he knows you don't know how to pass and your team's defense is terrible.

Another letter I did not receive was from a young college fellow named Istanbul Malarkey, a Turkish-Irish biology major from California.  Istanbul asks:

Dear Mr. Doomed Stuffing:  Which was invented first?  The chicken or the egg?

Jesus Christ, Malarkey ... when is this bullshit question going to die?  You're a fucking biology major, numb nuts!  Have you ever heard of Charles Darwin and Evolution?  You see, primitive ancient organisms passed onto other organisms the ability of sexual reproduction, as opposed to the asexual reproduction of other primitive organisms.  Egg-laying was something that happened in evolving animals before chickens ever existed.  It wasn't like one day God created an egg and said, "Spring forth, thou chicken, and beget more eggs!"  Study evolution, you fuckin' Muppet!  And it wasn't like God said one day, "Behold, a chicken!  And I command thou chicken to be fruitful and create the first egg!"  Frogs lay eggs, alligators lay eggs, dinosaurs laid eggs, and politicians lay eggs.  The important question, you meatbag, is why people believe that the chicken-vs.-the-egg scenario was ever a plausible brain-teaser in the first place.  Chickens didn't invent eggs, and eggs didn't invent chickens.  Species evolved from other species.

Now, Istanbul Malarkey, you should drop out of college and become a politician.  Run on the "Eggs Before Chickens" platform of the Evangelical GOP.  There aren't enough morons in the GOP.  There are a lot ... just not quite enough ... and you shall be a spectacularly adequate addition.

More letters will be answered in future editions of The Doomed Stuffing whenever I can think of some more bullshit names. (Address your letters to Mr. Doomed Stuffing, c/o eagle43aguila@hotmail.com ... and try to send me lots of photos of hot lesbian porn ... I'm doing a scientific study on how often I can abuse myself to hot lesbian porn.  I believe it will change science as we know it forever.)

Amazing Scientific Facts

    There's a lot of chatter among right-wing conservatives about how global warming is not real.  Science is not based on political views, although it undoubtedly can be influenced or tainted by politics.  Science is based on observations, hypotheses, experimentation, and then theories based on experiments that are repeatable and modifiable, and when an overwhelming majority of scientists come to a conclusion based on this system, it is quite unwise, to say the least, to believe the hick sitting next to you in a Denny's restaurant who says that global warming is a mass conspiracy among scientists who want to fuck up the world with their left-wing lies.  Don't believe hicks.  Believe science.

   Science says, after many years of research, after much bullshit political debate, that global warming is, without any doubt whatsoever, real ... and it is caused primarily by mankind's behavior, specifically the burning of fossil fuels.  What the world does about this indisputable fact is up to the will of the world's people and the world's sociopathic leaders, but the argument against global warming is specious ... like the argument that ignorant chick on "The View" made that she didn't know whether or not the world was really round because she had never seen it with her own eyes (apparently, she is blind to the countless photos of the Earth seen from space satellites or the Moon).

   Ronald Reagan said that trees caused pollution.  Yeah, he really said that and probably really believed it.  Trees are organic matter and contain large quantities of carbon, and when they burn they release carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, which indeed contributes to pollution.  But trees do not cause pollution.  Burning trees (or, again, any fossil fuel) causes the release of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, thus contributing to the effects of global warming.  Ronald Reagan wasn't a scientist.  He wasn't even smart. He was also a shitty actor, but that's another story.

   Here's another scientific fact:  Evolution is real.  If that hick in Denny's tells you it's not, that the Earth was created in a few days, or that dinosaurs existed at the time of the events of the Old Testament, feel free to call him a stupid fuck and eat all of his pancakes, because he doesn't deserve them.  He would just use the energy he received from consuming the pancakes to pollute the gullible world with his bullshit notions about science, anyway.

   Remember, Science doesn't give a fuck what your politics are.  It just cares whether or not you're stupid.

   Last scientific fact for the day:  Stupid people just beget more stupid people.  If you find yourself about to fuck a stupid person (or to be fucked by a stupid person ... depending on your gender or sexual orientation), please make sure prophylaxis against sexual diseases and, most especially, against pregnancy is used.  The world has more than enough stupid people ... and morality and the environment frown on burning them as a fossil fuel.

   Good luck, and may intellectual discernment ever be within the realm of possibility in your dealings with human beings.