Wednesday, February 29, 2012
ALIENS ARE COMING! ALIENS ARE COMING!
Americans hate illegal immigrants.
I know that seems like a horrible thing to say about a "Christian" nation, but it's true. We detest them; we want them arrested, deported, or imprisoned for years and then deported. Being a contrarian bastard, however, I don't hate them ... I don't detest them ... I don't want them imprisoned. And neither does Corporate America. Yes, Americans hate immigrants, but Corporate America loves cheap labor to be accessible, and that's why even President George W. Bush wanted to put them on a path to citizenship. It was one of the few things George and I actually agreed upon (although I doubt George would have given a shit what I thought -- why should he be any different from anyone else?).
The reason I don't hate illegal immigrants is because it is absolutely not their fault that they're breaking the law. We've had laws against illegally immigrating to this country for a very long time, yet we've always exploited illegal immigrants as a cheap source of labor. By ignoring illegal Mexican immigration for so long, we've encouraged it tacitly. Not even tacitly; we've encouraged it vigorously throughout our entire history as a nation. Until times when the economy got rough and jobs became more scarce. But even in the times when there has been a furor over immigration (like when the Germans, Chinese, the Irish, etc., started coming to America to destroy our language and rape our wives and daughters -- in decreasing order of importance), we've always survived -- and even thrived -- as a nation ... because immigrants work hard and cheap. Just what Corporate America wants. And Corporate America gets what it wants. Always. And without question.
But there will come a time when outer-space aliens come to our planet en masse. Not just in little masses, like those stray aliens who have been occasionally abducting Midwestern farmers and probing their rectums with Uranium Isotope Metal Dildo Machines (or, translated into an American English abbreviation, UIMD's), but in huge alien armadas of great big spaceships that will surround us, take our jobs, fuck our women (and every Midwestern farmer they didn't get in their first, smaller waves), and we will all be speaking Krthpthksqigglatca, and we'll all have to get used to having to turn grocery items around in the store so we don't have to read the nutritional ingredients of Krthpthksqigglatcan Soylent Green Illegal Immigrant Queso Flesh in their unpronouncable super-fricative alien language. That is, if the Krthpthksqigglatcans are nice enough to allow us to use English at all.
(For the record, Krthpthksqigglatacans who are here already, I love Soylent Green Illegal Immigrant Queso Flesh ... even though I can't pronounce it in your native tongue.)