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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Bad Advice: Eggs and Self-Abuse

I received a letter from Sharon S------- [real name withheld due to legal reasons and also due to the fact that it's total bullshit ... I never receive letters from anyone .... do letters even exist anymore?], from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and Sharon asks:

Dear Mr. Doomed Stuffing:  My preecher tells me that Ill go to Hail if I mastorbat.  Is this true?

Sharon, Sharon, Sharon.  First, get a fuckin' spelling primer before you send a letter through the mail.  When I receive letters, I demand a modicum of a pretense of literacy.  Second, what the fuck are you doing living in Tulsa, Oklahoma?  Don't you know that goblins and pedophiles live in Tulsa?  Third, poor, poor Sharon, I want you to know that your "preecher" is a chronic masturbator.  In fact, whenever you're showering after one of your church basketball games, he borrows your undergarments and masturbates furiously into them, all the while imagining you doing naked free throws.  Fourth, poor, poor, poor Sharon, I want you to immediately find a private place and stroke your uneducated hick pussy like you were putting out a clitoral fire.  This will bring you closer to Jesus than you've ever been ... certainly closer than after you've put on your undies after your "preecher" spunked in them and you wondered why you felt all sticky right after having had a shower.  Also, your "preecher" always bets on the other team because he knows you don't know how to pass and your team's defense is terrible.

Another letter I did not receive was from a young college fellow named Istanbul Malarkey, a Turkish-Irish biology major from California.  Istanbul asks:

Dear Mr. Doomed Stuffing:  Which was invented first?  The chicken or the egg?

Jesus Christ, Malarkey ... when is this bullshit question going to die?  You're a fucking biology major, numb nuts!  Have you ever heard of Charles Darwin and Evolution?  You see, primitive ancient organisms passed onto other organisms the ability of sexual reproduction, as opposed to the asexual reproduction of other primitive organisms.  Egg-laying was something that happened in evolving animals before chickens ever existed.  It wasn't like one day God created an egg and said, "Spring forth, thou chicken, and beget more eggs!"  Study evolution, you fuckin' Muppet!  And it wasn't like God said one day, "Behold, a chicken!  And I command thou chicken to be fruitful and create the first egg!"  Frogs lay eggs, alligators lay eggs, dinosaurs laid eggs, and politicians lay eggs.  The important question, you meatbag, is why people believe that the chicken-vs.-the-egg scenario was ever a plausible brain-teaser in the first place.  Chickens didn't invent eggs, and eggs didn't invent chickens.  Species evolved from other species.

Now, Istanbul Malarkey, you should drop out of college and become a politician.  Run on the "Eggs Before Chickens" platform of the Evangelical GOP.  There aren't enough morons in the GOP.  There are a lot ... just not quite enough ... and you shall be a spectacularly adequate addition.

More letters will be answered in future editions of The Doomed Stuffing whenever I can think of some more bullshit names. (Address your letters to Mr. Doomed Stuffing, c/o ... and try to send me lots of photos of hot lesbian porn ... I'm doing a scientific study on how often I can abuse myself to hot lesbian porn.  I believe it will change science as we know it forever.)

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