Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Bad Advice, Part II
The Doomed Stuffing has received a letter from Ignatius M. Pikesticker, of Royal Bumpkin, Arkansas, asking:
Dear Mr. Doomed Stuffing: I told my wife that she votes Democratik, and I kill her. My question is how should I kill her -- with a gun or a knife -- if she votes Democratik?
Ignatius, you're a stupid twat. First, even if she tells you she voted Democratic, you have no way of knowing that she voted Democratic or Republican or for a token third party candidate, because they aren't going to let you in the voting booth with her to see how she votes. But if you're going to murder someone, obviously you should drug them, then lure them out into the woods (preferably property that isn't owned by you), and then hit them with a shovel on the head. Take the shovel with you (it probably has your hick prints on it, and probably your DNA, too ... I won't try to explain what DNA is to you, because I would have to spend the first hour just trying to teach you to pronounce deoxyribonucleic acid.) Also, your wife sounds much smarter than you are, so you probably should worry more about protecting yourself from being murdered by her.
My next fake letter comes from Mrs. Millie Pikesticker-Stone, of Royal Bumpkin, Arkansas, asking:
To Mr. Doomed Stuffing: Should I be worried about my husbind kilin me?
Yes, Millie ... yes, you should.
Good luck, Americans. And remember ... politics is a deadly business.