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Thursday, March 1, 2012

New Game: Word with Enemies

I hate losing.  America hates losers (I think that huge asshole General George S Patton was the one who said this originally, and he often made his soldiers pay for this dictum by getting them needlessly killed so that he could show the news media how much of a hero he was by persevering through so much of his men's needless suffering). We hate losing so much because we're all such bad sports.

Words with Friends is a Scrabble-like game stolen by facebook (or, as I like to call it, facesuck) with the specific and diabolical intention of making me look like a sore loser.  Granted, I am a sore loser, but Words with Friends provokes the loser in me like no game can -- be it chess, checkers, Texas Hold'em poker, or Russian roulette (I've shot myself in the skull six times already, but I've only played Russian roulette twice ... I'm that competitive).

What makes me such a sore loser is that Words with Friends considers meg and lez to be words, but I can't use the word qat (this latter word is the normal spelling of the word that denotes a plant that is used in the Middle East and Africa as an intoxicant).  I hate Words with Friends for many reasons (and, no, none of those reasons include Alec Baldwin, whom people who disagree with him politically seem to despise, but whose Irish rage reminds me of my own German-Irish ancestry and poor sportsmanship).  Words with Friends is evil and I will continue to play it, because one cannot turn his eyes from evil; one must stare Evil in its face, then maybe cut its eyes out with a butter knife by using one of Words with Friends' own fake words to magically gouge its eyeballs out of its annoying game-face.

I hate you, Words with Friends.  I will defeat you.  I will disembowel you.  I will turn your offspring into goat feed and use your Words with Friends wife, Monopoly, as a toilet receptacle.  This may sound vicious to some of you more demure readers ... but, as General George S Patton might say, "War is fucking hell ... for wealthy generals with so many chest medals that it's hard to stand upright while I tell my soldiers to go forth and die for my glory."

America hates losers.  It's what makes us great and magnanimous in victory.  (Don't you dare say anything about the wars we've lost, you cynical shits out there -- be a good American!  And win!)

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