Monday, March 12, 2012
Daylight Savings Time, My Donkey!
The reasons that "spring forward" and "fall backward" should be changed to "quit fucking with my sleep" are so obvious that they would only need to be elaborated here to my readers (if I actually had readers) if any of my readers had a mental deficiency. According to my studies, if I had readers, 71% of you would, in fact, have severe mental deficiencies. But I can't cater to the special needs of the 71 per-centers, because it just wouldn't be fair to the 29 per-centers, who know how to use forks and wipe their own asses.
I came up with the 71% figure by watching that annoying buzz-cut anchor on NBC's morning "news" show. He interviewed a physician couple who were kicked off their Jet Blue airline flight because their two-year-old girl had a hissy fit and didn't immediately comply with the typical, rigidly intractable airline rules that all passengers must immediately -- and with total respect aforethought -- comply, or be cast to the tarmac like drunken hobos. Allegedly, Mr. Matt Lauer, resident anchor buzz-cut, told the couple, whom he interviewed for no apparent reason this morning, 71% of respondents to some meaningless poll NBC took agree with the airline. This doesn't really surprise me, because I am well aware that Americans love conformity (which they mistakenly believe is the same thing as patriotism, team spirit, or brotherhood).
And let's face it -- two-year-olds are assholes. They do what they want, whenever they want, and they know they can get away with it because they're so damn cute. That two-year-old brat who wouldn't strap herself into the airplane harness to placate some cunt of a captain should be ashamed of herself for being two years old. How dare she! You're right, 71 per-centers!
So I won't get into a deeply thoughtful argument for why we no longer need (if we ever actually needed) daylight savings time and standard time changes in spring and fall. There is no need to argue with 71 per-centers when the 29 per-centers already know what's right ... and the 29 per-centers have kept you fucking 71 per-centers from sinking the entire fucking continent into the oceans for over two hundred years now. Hopefully, we'll keep your moronic asses afloat for a hundred more.
Not that you deserve it.