Friday, March 9, 2012
Facesuck's New Timeline Sucks!
Wow. I've been examining the new Timeline feature from facesuck, and I have to say, I'm very unimpressed. It's too busy, too cluttered. The center does not hold, to pinch from the master-poet William Butler Yeats. (Yeats wouldn't have liked facesuck at all, let alone Timeline.) The problem with Timeline is that it doesn't have a line; it should be called Timeglobule or Timesplat. It's like looking at a newspaper (I know, those don't really exist anymore) that has been constructed at random for the benefit of people with severe attention deficit disorder.
And soon I will be forced by facesuck to use Timeline. It's facesuck's way of telling me that they are in control of my television set; they control the vertical, the horizontal, do not be alarmed, you are now entering the outer limits of customer service. Facesuck (and here facesuck is capitalized only because it must be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence -- unless facesuck has elected to change the spelling rule to suit its own nefarious desires) doesn't care what its users think. Facesuck is the future (until the next internet fad comes along to displace it), and the future is bleak, rife with the possibility of mass genocide, nuclear proliferation, more cheap synthetic semi-legal drugs more dangerous than the illegal ones and which will kill you faster and better, more Craig's List serial killings (until Craig's List is replaced by a new offshoot of ebay called ebaysacrifice.com, where you'll be able to sell your torture victim's body parts to the highest bidder so you can buy more chains and pliers or simply use e-dollars to play the trendy new version of Words with Friends called Gruntings with Maniacal Cannibals on Death Row).
I don't want to seem like one of those typical technophobe baby boomers who cried incessantly when he or she couldn't figure out how to program the clock on his or her circa-1985 VCR, but facesuck's new Timeline feature really sucks. I mean, to be emphatically clear and obscene, facesuck's new Timeline feature sucks like one of the techno-robot hookers Silicon Valley will construct in the future to pleasure themselves with electronic fellatio as they come up with ever more creative ways to fuck up any and every single thing they might actually accidentally get right. If they haven't already invented those robot hookers in the first place and are selfishly keeping them for their own delight.