Thursday, March 8, 2012
Jesus Tells Me So!
There's a solar flare attacking the Earth today. You might be thinking to yourself, why is my iPhone malfunctioning? Why did I feel so unusual when I pooped ionized McNugget biscuits this morning? It was the solar flare.
But don't worry. Jesus will save you. He told me so. In a solar flare-irradiating vision. Jesus told me that you should give me all your money so that I can continue to spread His word. Jesus loves money, it turns out -- so all those televangelist/charlatans, it turns out, have it exactly right.
The world is ending and Jesus' day is come. The only way for us to get the word out to everybody is for you to sell all your possessions and give me the cash money. Jesus told me. Why would Jesus lie? Jesus died for you, you ungrateful motherfuckers, so that I could get all your money and spread His word. Quit giving your bread to Billy Graham's kid and give it to me instead! Look, Jesus told me so in a solar-irradiating vision. He wouldn't lie.
Neither would I.
Not to you.