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Thursday, March 22, 2012

I Eat, Therefore I Am ... For Now

File:Stuffing a turkey.jpg
This isn't me in the picture.  It's from Wikipedia Commons.  I'm much fatter than this hairy-armed chef in a wife-beater.

I like to eat.  A lot.  Sometimes I'll buy three or four super-sized combo meals, eat them in one sitting, then puke them up in a bulemic session of projectile vomiting.  Because I'm an American, and I don't want all that shitty fat sitting in my system for too long.

A lot of people worry about their health.  I do, too.  The difference is that I'm not delusional enough to think I'm ever possibly going to live to be a centenarian.  I'm not even going to live long enough to see on the TV news how the Arctic ice shelf completely disappears within the next fifty years.  I wouldn't want to live to be old enough to say, "Yeah ... I'm ninety-two ... and if you had any sense, young person, you'd never get old."  I have never heard one elderly person say, "Oh, yeah, getting old is great!  I feel like my life is just now getting really started."

People hate being old.  It's miserable, because when we humans first started out, we didn't live much past our twenties (unless you believe in the Bible ... in which case, you shouldn't be reading The Doomed Stuffing ... you should be reading about Ezekial begatting Brezekial and Brezekial begatting Amos and Amos begatting Shazrab and Shazrab begatting Emos and Emos begatting Barney Fife's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Barrabas, who got a pass from Jesus because the Jews were sick of all the begatting in the Bible and they wanted to see how they'd fare in an incredibly anti-Semitic world -- at least, that's what I understand about the Bible ... I'm better at understanding overeating).  Getting old in our present era means gradually being placed on an increasingly invasive program of terminal life-support.  I would rather enjoy my shortened time on Earth by not worrying about remembering how many steel pins I have in my pelvic bones and how many times I've had surgery to remove intestinal tumors.

They say you can live a long, healthy life ... but that's total bullshit.  A long, healthy life is relative.  When you get very old, you're in a variable stage of miserable death, and denying this fact is ridiculous.  Humans weren't meant to live to be in their eighties, much less their nineties or hundreds.

It's why God supposedly invented death.  And McDonald's.

Fuck you, McDonald's!

And Death ... anytime you're ready, my bags are packed and my belly's probably going to be full.  Unless I've just puked.

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