Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Frisbees, iPhones, and Three-Ways
The new iPad is coming out today. Or maybe it's the new iPhone. I don't know which one it is, because I have neither an iPad nor an iPhone. The truth is, I don't give a shit about it. You might be wondering why I would choose to blog about something about which I care not a whit.
Well, the reason is that I have to hear about this bullshit all the time. Like "Desperate Housewives," or "The Bachelor" or "The Catty Plastic-Faced Trophy Wives of Beverly Hills." Or "Dancing with the Quasi-Celebrities" or "Down-and-Out Quasi-Celebrities Addicted to Paint-Huffing Interventions." Trends can be funny, up to a point. Like the trend where kids choke each other out to the point of unconsciousness for the "high" (when I was a kid, we weren't interested in auto-asphyxiation; we were interested in nearly killing ourselves with good dope and alcohol, and we would walk seven miles to school in the snow with paper stuffed into our hand-me-down boots -- because I lived in the fourteenth century).
Today it seems like everyone in the world has to have a computer stuck inside his or her ear even when driving recklessly down the road, crashing into befuddled Ambien-devouring dizzy grandmothers on their way to a now-ruined day of doctor-shopping.
We have to be connected at all times, every nanosecond for the rest of our existence, and up-to-date on all the latest technologies in the computer world, because we don't want just the self-asphyxiating little trendy freaks to be the only ones who are trendy. It would be like being a kid who didn't have a Frisbee or a Hula-Hoop when those fabulous inventions were given to the planet to increase peace, knowledge, and perfection among all those people out there who don't masturbate enough.
Don't get me wrong. I love technical bullshit as much as the next geek (well, not that much), but if you're out there waiting in line twice a year to pay $500 or $800 a pop to buy a new version of the thing you're just going to have to buy again four or eight months from now, my suggestion is for you to just go out and buy a fucking Frisbee.
Or, as these kids seem to be doing so much these days, just get a buddy to choke you out. Go with the trend, lemmings.
Meanwhile, I'm going to wait to buy an iPad or iPhone when they come out with the version that plugs directly into your brain so it can simulate a three-way for you with Salma Hyek and Monica Belucci. Because I'm all about techno-diversity.